Hallo-wicked-awesome
Oh Halloween. The goolishly evil fear-fest of an evening with children a plenty showing off their spooktastic outfits worked on by mom and dad for months. The night where the older folk spend hundreds on the newest treats, only to see them vanish in mere minutes to mobs of cavity craving gremlins. And of course, who could forget, it's the one night where children are allowed to break every single rule ever taught to them in their short little lives.
Yes, that's right...every rule. You know that saying "everything i need to know in life i learned in kindergarten"? Well on October 31st it should be modified to "everything i need to know in life, i forgot on Halloween." Don't believe me?
Let's start with the whole 'don't talk to strangers' thing. Not to mention 'don't EVER take candy from a stranger'. Basically, not only do the children talk to strangers...they take candy from EVERY SINGLE ONE! It doesn't matter what house you live in, how many stairs you have to the front door, or how many dead bodies are assumed buried on your poperty, the kids will come. After snatching a handfull of goods from a house, the kids will SPRINT across the road to the next, once again, disobeying direct oreders from the parents to never run across the road without looking. Not that the kid would get hurt if smoked by a car, since the latest superman costumes put on about 45 extra pounds, making your little munchkin immortal to any threat. Speaking of running from house to house. As i heard random parents hollering at each other from across the street, i realized that this is the one night where EVERY single parent walking around says something along the lines of "Oh hey Jan! Haven't seen you in forever, ill get Betty to call you and we'll have you over for dinner sometime soon ok!" Obviously the next time they talk is... you guessed it... October 31st of the following year. Thought i'd just throw that in there.
Share and play fair? On Halloween? Try, every bubble gum-breathing hethen for himself. The first one to the door gets the biggest handfull of candy. If you're last, you get the wrappers from the already-eaten one's, its just a fact of life. You get there last, or you might as well go home.
Don't eat sugar before you go to bed? Excuse me? You have just been supplied a bag of chocolatey goodness that lasts you...days. And even though your parents THINK they hide it sneakily...you know exactly where it is and how to climb to the top of the closet to reach it. Everynight it's under your bed with you half way in it, and neatly put back in it's 'parental hiding place' before they wake up. Yea, kids pretty much know everything.
Then there's the whole father's nightmare thing, when their 6 year old daughters have an excuse to dress up as...old... as they want. Doesn't matter how cold it is out there, when it comes to girls, dressing down is more like it thse days. The days of angels, princesses and ghosts are over. Today, it's school girls, country chicks, and scantily-cald nurses roaming the streets on this hallowed night. As for the guys, its just an excuse to run around the streets with your underwear on your head. It's kind of a boyhood dream, Halloween just lets you exercise it at free will.
Speaking of childhood dreams, the day of halloween at school is simply put, a joke. You show up dressed as whatever you want, only to have a party in EVERY SINGLE CLASS. Someone every year forgets to tell each teacher in elementary school that yes, every other teacher is having a party too, your efforts at being the coolest one have failed. The kids play it off to perfection though, complaining just enough to each teacher that "they never get a party, and need at least one!" The teacher falls for it, in every class, every year. It's science.
So i didn't cover every rule broken, but as you can see Halloween was, is, and always will be the greatest holiday ever! And that's hard to pull off because you don't even get the day off! How much better does it get than covering your house in crap, covering yourself in crap, and then filling yourself with crap all in one night. People you don't even know give you candy, with a smile on their faces. To every kid its the one night they think they're robbing every adult of all this candy. "All i have to do is dress up and these idiots will fall for it and fill my bag with pounds of sugary love?" Yes children, yes they will.
So on this night of horror, blood and pain, may i suggest you take a look under those freaky masks, mounds of face-paint, make-up and wigs. You'll notice one gigantic smile on every kid as they watch in awe as you slip a few chocolate bars into there bag. May Halloween live on as the most incredible holiday ever, one where we all get to break a few (or every) rule ever drilled into are heads. Sleep tight kids, don't let the dentist bite.
smooth
posted by The Jon at 9:29 PM
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